“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”
— Milton Berle —
“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.”
—Jeffree Star —
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
— Bob Hope —
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”
— Oliver Herford —
“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”
— George Bernard Shaw —
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on”.
— Winston S. Churchill —
“This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.”
― Charles M. Schulz —
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”
— Rodney Dangerfield —
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
— Albert Einstein —
“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
— Phyllis Diller —